Death and Suffering

Food for Thought... What do you think of death and suffering??  I would love to read your comments.  

As a child I was afraid of death and the unknown.  Pictures of angels playing harps and floating on clouds never appealed to me as a way in which I wanted to spend eternity, and the fiery infernos looked sweaty and miserable.  I wanted a peaceful, sleeping passage, and I hoped that I would be worthy of a heaven filled with love, parties, friends, and family.  

Three fabulous reasons to stay alive!  

Over time my fear diminished, yet I rarely spent time contemplating the next life.  Then, in early 2017 I read a book, of which I cannot remember the name, but it prompted me to rethink the most desirable way to go on to my next existence.  I cannot avoid death, and it is a transition to a new quiddity, so why not experience that reality in a conscience state of mind to actualize and discover it?  I don't know anyone who remembers the crushing experience of their birth, but what an astounding moment that must have been.  

The more I thought about it, the more I was intrigued, and I revised my previous hopes for an unconscious journey into a desire to experience the transition fully.  I am not in a hurry, but this new idea caused me to reexamine my feelings around death, and upon some inner reflection, I realized that I no longer fear death.  

Sunrise on Our 18th Wedding Anniversary

My lack of anxiety was tested when a distraught Adam sat down on my ICU bed in November, looked me in the eyes, and explained to me that my gram negative meningitis had a 30% mortality rate.  Upon further research, after the fact, I learned the mortality rate is actually 40-80%.  Yikes!  We talked about it, and I told him I wasn't afraid to die.  I truly wasn't.  I was at peace and joyful, and that may have caused him more stress.  I wanted to live to raise my children, but I joked in sincerity, that death would actually be easier on my end.  He gave me the crazy eyes.  

I remember telling him that if I died, he had my blessing to marry a woman that would be wonderful with our kids, and I reminded him that I was relying on his atheist self to raise our kids Catholic, reviewing the commitment he made years before I was ever pregnant.  

Happy Anniversary!  May 27, 2000

When people say, "He was hit so hard; he never felt it," there is truth to that.  I broke a windshield with my head, and I have no memory of feeling the pain, although that doesn't necessarily mean it didn't happen in the moment.  That idea was comforting because the thought of suffering makes me nervous.  I do not want an impairment or excessive pain, and so far I have avoided suffering, thanks to God, an amazing husband, family, doctors, nurses, therapists, friends, friends of friends, friends of friends of friends... 

One of my concerns upon returning to Puerto Madryn was our remote location.  When we left the airport, I looked across the barren plains, and I hoped they wouldn’t bite me in the butt.  I was only a month free of meningitis, and the thought of it returning thousands of kilometers from the Buenos Aires hospitals was nerve-wracking.  Multiple Madryn natives told me that I was fortunate the accident didn't happen in our little town.  The hospital is not equipped to deal with emergency brain surgery and complications, and I likely would have journeyed on to the next reality.  

I consciously avoid thinking about the possibility of suffering and complications.  The possibilities are numerous...  Maybe the blood transfusions I received were tainted; maybe I will become blind or paralyzed or have a stroke during the cranioplasty; maybe I will fall and hit the hole in my head; maybe a stray corner or elbow or nerf bullet will impale the area above my left ear; maybe I will get a fever and need to have another spinal puncture to check for a new meningitis.  I have never been good at putting worry aside, so I am grateful things are different now.  I haven't lost a moments sleep, and I easily push negative thoughts aside and focus on the positive.  I can only attribute my peace to my faith, and I thank God for it!